It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
Posted on | April 30, 2009 |
Is it just me, or is the world getting a little crazy? There’s a Global recession, glaciers are melting, the swine flu is killing literally tens of people. I’m not saying it’s being blown out of proportion, (although the regular flu has killed 13,000 this year so far) I’m saying the drug the treats it, Tamiflu, was patented by Donald Rumsfeld and he gets a piece of every tablet sold. I’m not gonna worry too much about this one yet. Donald Rumsfeld is so evil, even Dick Cheney is like “That guy is really evil!”
What else? Banks are failing. Although apparently they’re still making commercials because a friend of mine just did one for Capital One. You know these, right? “What’s in your wallet?” Is this really a question they want to know the answer to? What’s in my wallet? Dude. Nothing. I’ve got an expired AAA card, a bus pass, and lint. That’s what’s in my wallet. I think we should be asking them the question: Hey Capital One, what’s in YOUR frickin’ wallet? Regret? Oh, and the $3.56 Billion of my tax dollars that bailed you out, right? Well, if you could use that money to make some more really annoying commercials, I would feel a lot better about not being able to pay my mortgage. Thanks so much!
So there are pirates marauding the high seas, apparently. It’s 2009, right? These Somali pirates are outta control. And I don’t know what they’re so upset about in the first place, Europe has been sending supplies to Somalia for years for free. Sure, it’s mostly nuclear waste that’s destroying their farming and fishing, but they did just GIVE it to them. “Here! Here’s cancer! Why are you attacking our ships?”
Of course, American policy on dealing with people like this has always been very clear: “No shirt, No shoes, no dice.” Wait, that’s the policy at All American Burger. I always get those confused. “We do not negotiate with terrorists.” That’s it. But these pirates have collected hundreds of millions of dollars in ransom so apparently some countries have slightly different versions: We do not negotiate with terrorists… unless they’ve got an eye patch and a wooden leg in which case we give them whatever they want.
I feel like in Osama Bin Laden’s next video tape, he’s gonna be wearing a red bandana and have a hook for a hand. “Ahoy there ya scallywag infidels, you’re about to be boarded. Death to America, Mateys!” Little parrot on his shoulder, making that parrot sound, “Bacokk! Death to America, Death to America”
What else? You guys been following all of this torture stuff in the news? Pretty crazy, eh? I don’t know, it’s kinda scary. In one month in 2003 the US waterboarded Khalied Sheik Mohammed 183 times. In one month! I know it’s a touchy subject, but just try for one moment to imagine if that month was February? I mean, 2003 wasn’t even a leap year, folks. 183 times in a month. That’s like 6 times a day. I would tell you anything you want to know if you can just make American Idol stop. And that’s only on once a week! Talk about torture. Simon Cowell vs. Osama bin Laden, who is worse for America? It’s hard to say.
Ok, that’s it for now.
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